Thirty-four twirls across the solar. Wow, how time flies. It looks like yesterday I used to be a fresh-faced 21-year-old beginning this weblog to doc my travels. 13 years later, I nonetheless really feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, just a bit extra assured.
Lately I used to be chatting with associates, and somebody requested if we may return to any age what wouldn’t it be. For some cause, this has caught in my head, and my reply hasn’t modified. I wouldn’t return. I’ve loved many moments in my life, some years much better than others, however none exceptional sufficient price repeating.
There’s no amount of cash I could possibly be paid to return to highschool. Remembering my twenties makes me so drained – the place did all that power and tolerance for booze come from? I really feel like all ages is exclusive and has which means, and I’m trying ahead to turning 34. I really feel like I’ve turn into extra comfy with who I’m and what I would like.
My must please others has taken a backseat as I attempt to put myself totally and totally first. Up to now, it feels fairly superior.
It’s additionally been six months since my breakup, and my life upended — six months of a damaged coronary heart Or maybe six months of progress, resilience, and optimism.
I suppose life is all about perspective, and I’ve actually loved difficult myself to acknowledge my sorrows (fuck you, heartbreak) and reframe my anguish (hmm, perhaps this was factor for me?). Whereas I’m not within the place that I pictured I might be at this second in my life, I suppose no matter path I’m on is correct.
Typically it’s arduous to really feel optimistic once you really feel like a large number. My life sprawls throughout two continents, amongst storage items, associates’ garages, and my automotive. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do with myself. In some ways, I’ve struggled with “shifting on” as a result of I’ve hassle letting go of “what may need been.” I anticipated to be working in direction of shopping for a home with my associate, working NODE in individual, elevating chickens and youngsters, and planning for this new chapter of my life.
Now that that isn’t taking place, it looks like anything goes backward, a path I actually don’t wish to be touring in.
On the finish of March, I left New Zealand for the primary time in two and a half years to journey again to see my household on the East Coast of the USA. I can’t even start to clarify what that meant to me, particularly after the grief and loss of my stepdad.
I achieved about three issues whereas within the States for 5 weeks: household time, consuming, and ending my e-book. Sure, I wrote a e-book, one thing that has completely consumed me for the previous 4 months. However extra on that coming quickly.
I spent countless days slouched throughout my mother’s couch, carrying the identical pajamas and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch balanced on my abdomen whereas As Time Goes By performed on the television quietly. I really feel 17 once more, and never in a great way. At this level in my life, I believed I’d be coming again right here with a associate and a plan.
Rattling. This didn’t really feel like a hit. In actual fact, it makes me really feel like a complete failure.
However maybe that is exactly the place I’m meant to be. I’ve pushed myself for over a decade. And I’ve had a tough couple of years, dropping my stepdad, some insane life-changing household circumstances, being caught behind a closed border, after which having my relationship and life implode simply after I thought I used to be nailing it. Oh, and COVID.
I assume I’m surviving. I can sit in these murky waters as I work out what to do subsequent. Uncertainty doesn’t need to be unhealthy, does it? We’ve been conditioned to consider that we have now to observe the system to thrive, be comfortable, and have a plan. I’m studying it’s okay to be untethered. We’re all simply out right here surviving.
Even now, I’ve to remind myself to not examine myself to different individuals on the web. If I feel deeply, I’m comfortable right here on the couch, with my mother, in my outdated pajamas. These tender moments are every part. They’re what actually heals the guts. Let’s keep in mind to be sort to ourselves. We want it.
I’ve been again in New Zealand for almost a month.
I’ve spent almost half my life as an American expat abroad. For the primary time in a really very long time, I didn’t need my journey to the US to be over. It’s been years since I used to be with my household due to the closed borders of New Zealand. I get why they did it, however I don’t consider how they did it with MIQ was moral. In actual fact, I feel it was merciless. I consider the collective trauma from it’s incalculable.
Lately I’ve discovered myself dwelling quite a bit on the concept of residence.
After I say residence, do I imply again residence in Virginia, the place I grew up, or do I imply again residence right here in New Zealand, the place I’ve been residing for a decade? I don’t truly know. Maybe that’s the prerogative of expats, at all times having our toes in two worlds. After I’m in New Zealand, I sound American. After I’m in America, I sound like a kiwi. It’s a ravishing factor to have the privilege of two nations, however it is usually difficult.
Do I belong to each, or do I belong to neither? It relies on my temper, I assume.
Right here the times are getting crisper, and the solar disappears by 5 pm.
Winter is coming to Wanaka, and for the primary time in a very long time, I’m contemplating skipping it. I don’t have a concrete place to stay; I’ve acquired my present Wanaka flat til July 1st. Do I discover a long-term rental in Wanaka whereas I save for a home? What about returning to Lyttelton and throw myself again into my plant store, NODE? Or ought to I fuck off abroad for a couple of months and search sunnier shores and larger influencer paychecks? Do I am going again to my household within the US for some time?
Don’t get me fallacious, I like winter, and I’m excited to be again by the mountains; I’ve at all times been a four-seasons type of lady. However my life continues to be very a lot in limbo. I often have a reasonably clear path I observe.
With my anxiousness, I’ve realized to make selections shortly so I don’t find yourself in limbo, which stresses me out. However I’ve been in limbo since my breakup in November, and I nonetheless don’t know what path to go! Often, this isn’t one thing I might have shared previously, however I’ve determined to be open about it in order that others may relate to my struggles.
You aren’t alone.
It’s been six months of feeling misplaced.
I’m attempting to determine what to do. I feel I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with having the rug pulled out from underneath me. I’m a homebody and introvert, and it’s at all times been so necessary to me to have a protected, comfy house at residence I can retreat to. I believed I had that, however it disappeared, and I discover I don’t have the power or will to rebuild it alone proper now, though I crave a routine.
Do I preserve my stuff in storage and attempt to see this freedom as a possibility? Do I buck up and admit to myself that my outdated life is gone and it’s time to construct a brand new one? Being untethered each sucks and is fantastic on the identical time. I assume I’m simply hoping the fitting alternative will current itself quickly. And belief within the course of. If this isn’t a take a look at of rising up, I don’t know what’s.
And in case you have any recommendation for misplaced wanderers like me or have recommendation on turning 34? I’d love to listen to it.